Higher Power, or Mind Power?

Have you ever wondered whats Heaven? Whats Hell?. Wondered if Hell exists? Or If Heaven does?. Asked yourself who's God, does he exists? What about the Devil? I, personally ask myself that question right about everyday. Sometimes I don't doubt that there is a "God" or a "Devil", but I'm the type of person who only believes in what they see. To me, everything has to have a proof.
I like to stop and think how the Greeks, faithfully believe in the 12 Olympians Gods, 18 Titans, and all the other Gods and Goddesses. How the Asians, and others faithfully believe in Buddha. How there are Christian Monasticism, Buddhists Monasticism, Hindu Monasticism, Jainism Monasticism, Islam Monasticism, Judaism Monasticism, Jain Monasticism, etc...
How there are the so called "Gods Man On Earth"? And they could be divided into  Popes, Priests, Pastors, etc... And it does not matter where this goes each one responds to a "higher" power. And no, I am not referring to a higher power as "God", I mean one person listens to the other who claims to be closer to God? It's like a Food Chain. The people listen to what they believe to be their mentor. Example, People listen to their priest (in this case Catholic Priest), who  listens to the "Cardinal" (Bishop), who will discuss matter of peoples Faith with another Bishops, who will so bring the power to a higher power the "Pope". Okay, the Pope is whom decides our faith then? Because, If the Pope is a faithful, religious, and "Saint" enough person to 'hear the words of God', then explain to me why is that other devoted people, saint enough and devoted enough do not get to be called "Popes" or decides peoples faith? Explain to me why is that in earlier centuries, if you are a man and hear the words of God you're a saint. If you're a woman and hear "words" you're considered a witch, or all the words you hear are from the Devil. And the latest centuries, people get to chose who are to be called "a man of god" or "a witch", And now of course lets not forget that, if you hear things you can also be considered "Schizophrenic" in the eyes of science. To me it all sounds like politics, to be honest. After all, isn't from religion that politics came from?
Now proof of anything? No one will give right? Because its all about "Faith".
How are people suppose to have Faith in God or what ever is that they chose to have faith in, if there are over 4,200 religions out there.

Well, I was totally interrupted and lost my concentration. I guess I'm going to have some tea and reflect a little bit more.

xx

If Only Half Of The Population Knew That.

My everyday feeling.

Help?

I watch the clock, 6pm. Nothing to do, don't really want to talk to anybody.

Surrounded by walls, my mind races, with wonders and imagination. Imagining what i wish to be, whom i wish to be and what i want to do. 

But for me to be whom i want to be i would have to walk away. Walk away from everyone whom turns me down. Yes, i love the, but i just can't take the whole concept of them crushing my hopes and dream. 

I don't even see myself dreaming anymore. Or hoping, because every time i even try to, someone crushes me. 

I want to be me, and me wants to be a guy. Because i hate being a woman, i hate my body, who i am. I wish i was born a men. If its to live forever as a woman, to be honest i don't want to live. 

I looking forward to having surgery, but for that im going to have to do what i want. Move to England, and leave everyone behind. Not because i don't love them, but because for once i need to be me. 

And I don't see my future here, i don't see my future back i Brazil. All i see is myself in England. Its where i want to be, where i know my happiness will be. But i don't to go there as a woman either, because i want to start a new life. My life.

Nobody understands that, nobody understands who i am or who i want to be. 

I cant really point things i love and hate, because one day i love something, next day i hate it. Only things im secure of that i want and love, is that, i want to be a men, skateboard, surfboard and play soccer. That's it, i don't want anything else. 

Is it that too much to ask? 

I WANT!

I want to be able to go Surf again, Skate Boarding, and doing everything i used to do. But now this fear of people, of being around people has taken over me.
I'm determined to change that, but i need help because i can't do it on my own.
I don't want to be tired like this all the time, and depressed. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
Is it that hard? Its not too much to ask :(

Blabbing on.

Memory, I find it to be a blessing, as well it's the biggest curse on a human being. I sit on my own, reflecting and thinking over and over about the things I did, the things I didn't, the things I would like to do.
It's overwhelming, consuming, and driving me to insanity. I can't stop thinking, not for a minute. Yet, I never really know what I'm thinking about, Its just basically random stuff.

Right now, what is on my mind is the fact that, the hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay. Its so hard to find things to stay strong for, anything to live up for. I feel so unimportant, so miserable. I feel like I don't wanna be alive. At the same time... I'm afraid of death. Shit I don't wanna die.

I sit for hours on my own. Hell, some days, ill sit the whole day without saying a word to anyone. That's not being alive. Even though I'm living. So I guess, "to live doesn't mean your alive".