Higher Power, or Mind Power?

Have you ever wondered whats Heaven? Whats Hell?. Wondered if Hell exists? Or If Heaven does?. Asked yourself who's God, does he exists? What about the Devil? I, personally ask myself that question right about everyday. Sometimes I don't doubt that there is a "God" or a "Devil", but I'm the type of person who only believes in what they see. To me, everything has to have a proof.
I like to stop and think how the Greeks, faithfully believe in the 12 Olympians Gods, 18 Titans, and all the other Gods and Goddesses. How the Asians, and others faithfully believe in Buddha. How there are Christian Monasticism, Buddhists Monasticism, Hindu Monasticism, Jainism Monasticism, Islam Monasticism, Judaism Monasticism, Jain Monasticism, etc...
How there are the so called "Gods Man On Earth"? And they could be divided into  Popes, Priests, Pastors, etc... And it does not matter where this goes each one responds to a "higher" power. And no, I am not referring to a higher power as "God", I mean one person listens to the other who claims to be closer to God? It's like a Food Chain. The people listen to what they believe to be their mentor. Example, People listen to their priest (in this case Catholic Priest), who  listens to the "Cardinal" (Bishop), who will discuss matter of peoples Faith with another Bishops, who will so bring the power to a higher power the "Pope". Okay, the Pope is whom decides our faith then? Because, If the Pope is a faithful, religious, and "Saint" enough person to 'hear the words of God', then explain to me why is that other devoted people, saint enough and devoted enough do not get to be called "Popes" or decides peoples faith? Explain to me why is that in earlier centuries, if you are a man and hear the words of God you're a saint. If you're a woman and hear "words" you're considered a witch, or all the words you hear are from the Devil. And the latest centuries, people get to chose who are to be called "a man of god" or "a witch", And now of course lets not forget that, if you hear things you can also be considered "Schizophrenic" in the eyes of science. To me it all sounds like politics, to be honest. After all, isn't from religion that politics came from?
Now proof of anything? No one will give right? Because its all about "Faith".
How are people suppose to have Faith in God or what ever is that they chose to have faith in, if there are over 4,200 religions out there.

Well, I was totally interrupted and lost my concentration. I guess I'm going to have some tea and reflect a little bit more.

xx

If Only Half Of The Population Knew That.

My everyday feeling.

Help?

I watch the clock, 6pm. Nothing to do, don't really want to talk to anybody.

Surrounded by walls, my mind races, with wonders and imagination. Imagining what i wish to be, whom i wish to be and what i want to do. 

But for me to be whom i want to be i would have to walk away. Walk away from everyone whom turns me down. Yes, i love the, but i just can't take the whole concept of them crushing my hopes and dream. 

I don't even see myself dreaming anymore. Or hoping, because every time i even try to, someone crushes me. 

I want to be me, and me wants to be a guy. Because i hate being a woman, i hate my body, who i am. I wish i was born a men. If its to live forever as a woman, to be honest i don't want to live. 

I looking forward to having surgery, but for that im going to have to do what i want. Move to England, and leave everyone behind. Not because i don't love them, but because for once i need to be me. 

And I don't see my future here, i don't see my future back i Brazil. All i see is myself in England. Its where i want to be, where i know my happiness will be. But i don't to go there as a woman either, because i want to start a new life. My life.

Nobody understands that, nobody understands who i am or who i want to be. 

I cant really point things i love and hate, because one day i love something, next day i hate it. Only things im secure of that i want and love, is that, i want to be a men, skateboard, surfboard and play soccer. That's it, i don't want anything else. 

Is it that too much to ask? 

I WANT!

I want to be able to go Surf again, Skate Boarding, and doing everything i used to do. But now this fear of people, of being around people has taken over me.
I'm determined to change that, but i need help because i can't do it on my own.
I don't want to be tired like this all the time, and depressed. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
Is it that hard? Its not too much to ask :(

Blabbing on.

Memory, I find it to be a blessing, as well it's the biggest curse on a human being. I sit on my own, reflecting and thinking over and over about the things I did, the things I didn't, the things I would like to do.
It's overwhelming, consuming, and driving me to insanity. I can't stop thinking, not for a minute. Yet, I never really know what I'm thinking about, Its just basically random stuff.

Right now, what is on my mind is the fact that, the hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay. Its so hard to find things to stay strong for, anything to live up for. I feel so unimportant, so miserable. I feel like I don't wanna be alive. At the same time... I'm afraid of death. Shit I don't wanna die.

I sit for hours on my own. Hell, some days, ill sit the whole day without saying a word to anyone. That's not being alive. Even though I'm living. So I guess, "to live doesn't mean your alive".

:(

Never thought I could make you cry.
But i did. I swear i didnt mean to. To get you jealous? Yeah maybe a little, after what you did.
But i never meant to make you cry. And no, i wouldn't flirt with her, or anything else. Not even interested, because regardless of what you did, or what we go through, i love you, and your my babygirl.
It YOU that i want. Dont worry about losing me, because you wont. Not if it depends on me, you wont.

You make me feel like utter shit, a lot. You piss me off, you show me no emotion what so ever. But the moment that you look into my eyes, i know. The moment you touch me, i know. I know that your mine, and im yours, and thats how i plan on being. Just me and you.

I love you <3

Oh my days.

I dont quite know what to think nor do.

Im pretty fucking pissed off at the fact that my girlfriend kissed another girl.

I could forgive her for doing that... because it was one time, just a kiss, and she was drunk (even tho i know thats not an excuse), But what i cannot swallow it down, its the fact of who it was...

Did it have to be her? The one person im jealous of, your ex, the person you "used" to love. Seriously...?

Should know that, that makes me think you love her and not me. And to be honest, i just wanted to go and cheat on her too, just to pay right back with the same coin. Even had everything planned to chill with a  girl last night to cheat on her. But, i stopped and realized that i'm not going to do that. Because i fell in love with her and i just, i don't know, doesn't seem right anymore. 

Anyways, i guess we are okay now. I decided to put it all back and forget it never happened. But I don't forgive her... just for the fact of who it was with. I can't forgive her, i already have a problem where i dont forgive people, i dont know how to forgive. But i guess love her too much to not want to put this behind me. But forgive or forget i wont. I can't. Doesnt mean im going to love her any different tho. Because i wont. I just will pretend it never happened. 

One problem tho... I can't trust her around the girl anymore. I mean, i was afraid already before and jealous, but i always accepted the fact of them being friends. But now... i dont, i dont even want to know whenever shes near the girl, or nothing, because i dont trust them together anymore. Sober or drunk. 

Anyways, i have so many problems to deal with other than that. Now ive figured outt hat i might have a sort of heart problem, and respiratory problem. Just to help, because i've already got anxiety, social anxiety, anger issues, depression, GID, and a couple more. So im fucked. :| 

Just another pointless night.

I have a tendency of getting angry for the tiniest reasons. And i don't know. As usual a trillion thoughts are going to my head and i don't know what to say. Im just kind of sick of people you know? Every one thinks im cool, and wants to hang out and all that shit, but im always like... i don't know i guess i like to be left alone?

My girl is probably at a party right now getting fucked up, which shell probably get grounded again and i wont be able to see her. Well, not much of a surprise /: I guess she doesn't understand that, i dont care if she drinks or not, if she smokes or not, i just dont want her in trouble... I admit, its because im afraid of losing her. And to be honest... these days its what scares me the most. Even tho i dont act like it.

I act like i don't give a shit, which makes me seem like im controlling her. But no, i would never, cause i sure as hell wouldnt like her doing that to me. But i guess i just care too much for her, am just afraid of admitting it. Well considering what went through with my ex, anyone would.


I was suppose to go chill at a hotel tonight with some friends, but my mum as usual totally fucked that up.
Anyways, i guess im going to bed.

I totally miss my girl /: <3

Sonnet 130 - William Shakespeare

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
   And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
   As any she belied with false compare. "


- My favorite Sonnet, by William Shakespeare <3

It always comes back to ya.

My day today already begun kind of shit like.
I've been ill for the past 3 days. I can't quite eat nor drink much. And now to help, its getting a little hard to breathe. I do refuse to go to the hospital unless i find that is really necessary. Why? I just despite the idea of sitting in a hospital wait for them to see you, and they'll say the same shit as usual ... "Take Advil" -.-"

Anyways. My ex (the great love of my life) decides to come back to haunt me. But im not caring much. I mean, yes i still have feelings for her, and i doubt that shall ever go away. But right now, im with and amazing person who i happened to fall in love with and yeah, long story short. My ex comes back to tell me she misses me and she wants me back in her life, putting the whole bullshit aside.

Okay, i do accept being her friend again i guess. But it wont last long because i cant show no emotions to her other than coldness, and bluntness. Simply because, shes a mindfucker.

She keeps complaining to me about her "Boyfriend" who she claims it isnt anymore, they are just seeing each other. Does that even make sense? I don't know, shes crazy. But hey i dont care, in a mean way i kind of think she deserves to be treated like shit by him. After everything shes done to me, and to him... Yeah, you deserve it.

I miss my girlfriend. I havent seen her in a couple of days, and we barely even talk anymore. I can't quite tell if its because she is in trouble ( like she always is) or because shes just avoiding speaking to me, afraid that i will lash out at her for the stupid things she does.  I kind of told myself im not going to care anymore. If she wants to act stupid, im not going to be the one to stop her, because every time i do, we fight, and im the one who hurts. And if its for pain... I already have a lot to deal with.

I guess now i got to concentrate in... Finish cutting my hair & Getting well.
Now for the weekend... I guess im spending home seen as im ill :/

My crazy mind.

A million thoughts are going through my head. Yet, I don't find the words, or way to say nor express what i want to say.  Am i going insane?
Why do i feel like dying? Why do i feel like killing myself?  Why do i get angry at the littlest things? Why does all the bad things happens to me? Why can't i be happy for once? Why? Why?!

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like locking myself up and never coming out again. I feel like there is not point into living this shitty life.
Because that's all my life is. A pile of SHIT.

I dream a lot so i dont have to face reality, but i don't live my dreams, i face reality as if i wasn't afraid of it. When to be quite honest, its what scares me the most.

I think i need help.

Lets begin.

This year has been a mess. People walking in and out of my life like its nothing. 

My head is spinning in 3000 mph. 

I don't know what to do, what to say about anything. 

This blogger for me is basically someone to talk to. Because I don't quite speak to no body about my problems. 

I would like to begin with the negatives, so i can discharge all this crazy stuff in my head.

I made many mistakes. I lost many friends. I pretended to be someone im not for a while and now im trying to fix it up.

The thing is... Not many people quite accept who i am today.

That doesn't necessarily hurts me, but it kind of throws my mind off a little bit.

Im going through a very tough time. No money. My family is basically broken apart. And i have 1001 psychological problems, which nobody understands, nor cares.

Yesterday, I just lost my best friend. He went back to his "homeland", as he would say. I'm quite upset, but i guess that's just a little bit of addition for whats already fucked up in my life.

As mentioned before my life is a mess. My mother doesn't understand me. And i can't explain nor tell her whats going on because I'm always afraid to talk. Talk about my problems, and talk about what goes in my head. 

I'm quite difficult to deal with it. Its not that nothing pleases me. Because the littlest things does, as long as i know its done with a little bit of effort. 

I miss my dad, my dad has gone to Canada, I haven't seen him. And to me my dad is my hero. Apart from everything that has happened. He IS still my hero.

I guess i made this blog rather anonymous, its due to one problem i have. Which is "Social Anxiety" . Which means im always afraid of being around people, because im always wondering what people are thinking. And to me everyone is always thinking and talking about me. I always say im not afraid of what people think of me, but thats not entirely true. Yes, it really bothers me. The fact that i don't know what people are thinking about me, drives me nuts. Im always ashamed and afraid of embarrassing myself in front of people. No, it does not have to do with the fact that im gay. I think that is my refuge. Because its the only time i think that im me, i dont have to pretend to be someone im not, I dont have to worry about people wondering if im gay or not. Because open bluntly to the fact that i am. 

Im just always afraid of embarrassment, of being a loser, of being a nobody. I always want to be something more, something in a high level.

No, i do not want to be popular. I don't want to be known by everyone because i hate it. I hate people. To me being alone, curled up in a corner is the solution for everything. 

I speak my mind, but don't talk about my feelings or what goes in there. For example, If i don't like you i will instantly tell now. Now if i have feelings for you, ill die holding on to that and never tell unless you figure it out on your own. I guess im just afraid of rejection, embarrassment, deception, etc...

I don't know what to do about it. I tell myself i should see a psychologist, or what ever, but then im afraid of admitting that is something wrong with me. When in fact, there is... a lot.

I have anger issues, like right now... the fact that my little irresponsible sister told me to do something because she is a selfish irresponsible whore. Pissed me off. 

So im guessing ill finish writing when im calm. 

Back to Blogger.

I decided I should create a whole other blog. Make it more personal and private I guess.

I kind of dislike Tumblr, so back to blogger :)