Lets begin.

This year has been a mess. People walking in and out of my life like its nothing. 

My head is spinning in 3000 mph. 

I don't know what to do, what to say about anything. 

This blogger for me is basically someone to talk to. Because I don't quite speak to no body about my problems. 

I would like to begin with the negatives, so i can discharge all this crazy stuff in my head.

I made many mistakes. I lost many friends. I pretended to be someone im not for a while and now im trying to fix it up.

The thing is... Not many people quite accept who i am today.

That doesn't necessarily hurts me, but it kind of throws my mind off a little bit.

Im going through a very tough time. No money. My family is basically broken apart. And i have 1001 psychological problems, which nobody understands, nor cares.

Yesterday, I just lost my best friend. He went back to his "homeland", as he would say. I'm quite upset, but i guess that's just a little bit of addition for whats already fucked up in my life.

As mentioned before my life is a mess. My mother doesn't understand me. And i can't explain nor tell her whats going on because I'm always afraid to talk. Talk about my problems, and talk about what goes in my head. 

I'm quite difficult to deal with it. Its not that nothing pleases me. Because the littlest things does, as long as i know its done with a little bit of effort. 

I miss my dad, my dad has gone to Canada, I haven't seen him. And to me my dad is my hero. Apart from everything that has happened. He IS still my hero.

I guess i made this blog rather anonymous, its due to one problem i have. Which is "Social Anxiety" . Which means im always afraid of being around people, because im always wondering what people are thinking. And to me everyone is always thinking and talking about me. I always say im not afraid of what people think of me, but thats not entirely true. Yes, it really bothers me. The fact that i don't know what people are thinking about me, drives me nuts. Im always ashamed and afraid of embarrassing myself in front of people. No, it does not have to do with the fact that im gay. I think that is my refuge. Because its the only time i think that im me, i dont have to pretend to be someone im not, I dont have to worry about people wondering if im gay or not. Because open bluntly to the fact that i am. 

Im just always afraid of embarrassment, of being a loser, of being a nobody. I always want to be something more, something in a high level.

No, i do not want to be popular. I don't want to be known by everyone because i hate it. I hate people. To me being alone, curled up in a corner is the solution for everything. 

I speak my mind, but don't talk about my feelings or what goes in there. For example, If i don't like you i will instantly tell now. Now if i have feelings for you, ill die holding on to that and never tell unless you figure it out on your own. I guess im just afraid of rejection, embarrassment, deception, etc...

I don't know what to do about it. I tell myself i should see a psychologist, or what ever, but then im afraid of admitting that is something wrong with me. When in fact, there is... a lot.

I have anger issues, like right now... the fact that my little irresponsible sister told me to do something because she is a selfish irresponsible whore. Pissed me off. 

So im guessing ill finish writing when im calm.